I could go the rest of my life without having sex. In fact, I abhor it. I don’t ever want to be touched again; I don’t want to do anything except ball up in bed and surround myself with pillows. I want to feel safe in my bed.
I listened as this amazing woman shared her sexual aversion with me. She never wants to remarry. She never wants to meet another man or have anything to do with men again, actually. It makes her skin crawl. Clearly, this is common with the women to whom we minister. And I don’t blame them. When she finished telling me about what sex was like in her first marriage, I asked her, “Have you ever given your sexuality to Jesus?”
She looked away and her face got hot. I could see tears stinging her eyes. She paused and then turned back to me, angrily . . . “I’m not going back to him. I’m not giving him my body ever again.” I was stunned. But, I understood. I remember the connection I made between God and my husband — the unhealthy connection. I said it again, “No, that’s not what I asked. I asked if you had ever given JESUS your sexuality.” She looked confused. I knew exactly what was confusing her. I spoke again, “Giving Jesus your sexuality is not equivalent to giving a man your sexuality.” She stared at me for a moment, gaining clarity. Her mind was racing. I took a moment and then I went further, “Your husband is not God.” I watched as, right in that moment, she began to untangle her sexuality from spiritual abuse. She was literally creating a new pathway in her mind that was separate from what she had been told over and over.
I remembered . . . I remembered the degradation of sexual and spiritual abuse, all inter-twined like dark threads around my heart. Before I found freedom and healing, I equated Jesus being Lord of my life — my entire life and all aspects of it — with giving my body to my abusive husband to fulfill his lustful and pornographic desires. There was a paradigm and a culture in my home and in my church that said, “If you surrender to Jesus, that means you are surrendering to your husband.” That, my friends, is putting your husband in the place where Jesus rightfully belongs. We naturally assume, because of faulty teachings in the church, that surrendering our sexuality to Jesus means God is then going to ask us to give our bodies to our husbands as though that is what God wants.
Let me make something very clear: Giving our bodies to our abusive husbands may not be what God is asking of us. Even clearer: God cares about you, sister, more than he cares about your husband using your body over and over. He has NEVER asked you to compromise your dignity, sexually, for the twisted satisfaction of your husband.
When I gave my sexuality to Jesus, He was direct, “Megan, I want to heal this part of you.” That’s what happened. He never once said, “I now want you to give yourself, like a prostitute, to your husband.” For those who do not know this, women in sexually abusive relationships feel like prostitutes. He provides money for a woman and her babies; she provides the sex. It’s horrible. It’s treacherous; it’s evil.
So, when I ask our mamas to give their sexuality to Jesus, they can be assured that they are putting it in safe, scarred, powerful and beautiful hands. Jesus is gentle. His yoke is light. He is in the business of being the Wonderful Counselor, Healer and Comforter of our souls. He does not look at you, precious and beloved daughter of the King, point His finger and say, “Go do what your husband demands.” Oh, no . . . that is not in line with His character. He always looks at us and says, “I want to heal that broken part of you because I care deeply about every. single. part of you.”
So, sister . . . cut that connection and open your heart to actual and true healing of Jesus without all of the shackles. Separate that part of your brain that links giving your heart to Jesus with allowing abuse in your life. That is NOT His plan. Give your sexuality to Jesus and let Him do with it what He will. You can trust Him, even though you could not trust your husband. Because Jesus is not your abusive husband. And watch what He does. I don’t know what He will do but I can promise you He will not ask you to subject yourself to abuse. It’s just you and Him, baby. And, even if you cannot trust anyone else in the world right now, you can trust the Lover of your Soul.
Megan is Founder and Executive Director of Give Her Wings. She carries a Masters in Pastoral Counseling and is certified in Crisis Response with the AACC. She has also recently finished her CPE Unit 1 training.