When I first went for therapy a few years ago, I was diagnosed with Major Depression, General Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. Whew! That was rough. And I am open . . . people know my story and I am at peace with that. So, I’m fine with sharing. I was overwhelmed with the diagnoses that I had lived with for decades. I spent so much time trying to hold things together in the midst of abuse, pain, babies and stress and it was now (finally) time for my healing. And heal, I did. After much time spent with a few gifted therapists, my depression and anxiety subsided to the point that my only diagnosis, now, is PTSD. It is manageable, most of the time. It will just be something I will have to sustain for the rest of my life (without a divine intervention) and I can handle that. I have a toolbox now. And I can honestly say, at this point, that I am grateful for this thorn. I am grateful because it keeps me connected to those who suffer and I can better minister, if and when God calls me to do so. I haven’t forgotten the very real plight of victims; I still remember the overwhelming chaos of caring for children while trying to fight against my own pain.
With all that being said, here is a letter to those who struggle with anxiety. I have prayed over this. Because I fully grasp my own suffering, I want others to know that there is hope. I am writing it as I would to my own child, only because that is how God sees us — as His own beloved and precious children. Good mamas and daddies know this love but we forget to apply it to ourselves.
So here you are, precious warriors:
When I watch you, throughout the day . . . throughout the seemingly-mundane tasks you must carry out . . . my heart is aching for you. It pains me to see the sometimes angry, sometimes pain-filled, sometimes overwhelmed bursts of tears that come and go. I watch you trying to hold them back for the sake of those around you and to avoid embarrassment. I reach out to touch them, to wipe them away. My hand moves toward your face and my deep love for you is fathomless. I never forget my deep love for you, as a human would. You are my pride and joy. The fullness of all of my love has been laid upon you for all of your life. I see the anxiety you are suffering, now, and I long to heal it. But, I can see through all of it and see you on the other side of suffering, as well. I know that this will change, that it will get better. I know you must go through it. I know you are developing into the bright, shiny star that I created when I formed every tiny atom of you in your mother’s womb. I see the end of this story — and it is beautiful.
Right now, your mind is overburdened. Wires cross as you are triggered. It is all too much. I know that, child. I know that. It can feel like your very life is in danger, even when you know, in your mind, that it is not. It feels out of control. When that happens, I am with you. I just want you to know that I am here . . . You probably don’t really “feel” me, right now. But that does not change the fact that I am intimately aware of every detail of your beautiful life. Of your story. And I care . . . I care so so much.
The ugliness told you about yourself was not true. The pain inflicted on you to try to somehow convince you of your worthlessness cannot and will not prevail. I am WITH YOU — God with you. I was with you in the ugly. I was with you when he hurt you. When she hurt you. When they hurt you. And I was not pleased. It hurt Me. When people hurt you, they are hurting Me because I am your Abba Father. You were never alone and you are not alone now. I am there, in the midst of your suffering; I am there, in your tears; I am there in the betrayal and the confusion. The world does not make sense to you and I understand that. Even when I walked on this earth, in human form, the fully man part of me could not grasp how anyone could betray Me when I loved them so much. I have been there, daughter. It is devastating.
There will be a day when these things are made clear. When you will have clarity and see the entire picture with Me. But, for now, I ask you to trust Me. Because you cannot see it all, yet, and there is so much grace for that. It is OK to not understand it all. I want to be the One you know you are safe with. When it feels like it is too much, try to breathe in my presence. I am your Friend and I am at hand . . . but I am also YHWH . . . the unspeakable, all-powerful Judge and Creator of the universe. Your life is in my hands . . . your eternity is in my hands and no one and nothing can change that.
In those moments where your head hurts and you are drowning, let My love — like a warm blanket — encapsulate you. Take one quick moment to know that I am God. Be still.
In those moments where the anger of what you have been through threatens to take over, cry out to Me. I am waiting and watching . . . just waiting to hear from My girl. My boy. My child. Just hoping that you will reach out to me so I can comfort you with Truth: You are mine, you are redeemed, you are beautiful, you are going to get through this, trust in Me . . .
Listen . . . those who have ears to hear: I love you. I love you and I love you and I love you. Let me quiet your mind for just one minute. Let my peace wash over you. The world tells you that peace is when everything is going your way. My peace is not like that. My peace says that I am with you always, even unto the end of the age. That day will come and you will have been with Me the entire time, taking my light yoke.
Your story is not over, my darling, my treasure. Stay with me, under My wing. There is so much more I want to share with you . . . so much more I want to say. But, for now, just rest, knowing that your future and the entire world is under my sovereign control. You are not lost, my little lamb. You are found.